Consciousness can be elusive.  I have to push back intense feelings of regret as I think of all the years I have been sleeping through my life.  But here I am, awake finally (I hope), and desperately trying to maintain that state.  Desperation sounds drastically emotional, but that is where I am at this point, desperate and intent on never going back.

With everything that has been going on with me lately and all that I have been learning, I have been constantly burdened by the nagging feeling that somehow I will lose it all.  The lessons are emotional (= superficial in my perception, but not, thankfully in reality), psychological, intellectual, nothing I can really put my finger on, or cling to for dear life as I prefer to do with things that are important to me.  My lessons are like a balloon.  I see myself trying to catch it as it keeps blowing away from me with every swift hand movement I make.  My struggles create a wave of activity that cause the balloon to move just as swiftly away from me, when all I need to do to catch it is to be still, let it rest, and gently bring it to me.  Sometimes relaxing, breathing, and just being, is much more difficult that struggling.  Acceptance does not always equal defeat.

But the fight continues, whether it be active or passive.  My new reality contains a constant, sometimes very intense, fear that I will one day go back to sleep and it will all be gone; for some reason I won’t be able to stay in this exciting and liberating place.  I keep saying that I have woken up, so I suppose I am just trying to stay awake.  I keep trying to gauge at what level of consciousness I am so that I will remain aware and not slip back into slumber.  I have to keep moving forward, keep waking up, continue the evolution.  I get sleepy, groggy, sometimes, and forget, but so far I have not fallen back asleep.  I have little voices, tiny irritations (I’m grateful that they are tiny, cause they used to be very loud), telling me that It would be easier to go back to walking selfishly through life.  But through my newly found strength I reject them daily.  With each push I get stronger and they get weaker, more foolish really; I get more awake, as they fade into memories of a dream.

So I suppose the main reason that I am here writing this now is to try to hold on to what I am learning about myself and how outside influences and past experiences affect the person I am now and the person into which I want to evolve.  I don’t like to use the word “fear” but that is what it feels like.  I am fearful that I will one day go back to sleep, and all will be lost.  If I can somehow record my “lessons” I will not lose them.

Maybe it isn’t fear at all though.  I have often told others that their feelings of fear and anxiousness are only promptings of the Holy Spirit to pray.  We have to pray and stay in tune with God to have any sort of active wisdom.  So I believe that as we feel fear and anxiety, it is simply the Holy Spirit reminding us where our source of strength, joy, and love (God) come from.

*deep breath*  Thank you God.  I love you.