just Beth

What are you doing right now and are you enjoying it? Are you currently satisfied being where you are? Or both? Where are you going? Do you see how your current activities and interests lead to other things? That during a season you are fulfilled, but then you reach for more or different? Have you thought about it?

I have found that when I’m relaxed and in a groove I will enjoy it for a time, but I eventually want something new to do. Then, after changing gears and being busier and more productive, I long for some down time. (Down time is productive too though; we just have to give ourselves permission to accept it!) I am happy and very grateful that I enjoy my professional and educational life – meeting and conversing with new people on campus and online, working on my database labs and participating in class discussions, even helping my son and daughter with their school work and life in general – but after a while, I need to get away for alone and quiet time so that I can recharge.

I have gone through this in seasons of my life too, not just in daily or weekly activities. After I received my associate’s degree years ago, I worked as a systems analyst for 14 years and loved it. I left that life to run my own business and home-school my children for about 10 years. Now I am at school again with two new career focuses, basically starting a new life back in my hometown, and loving every minute of it.

I used to think that getting the “itch” to improve my life or just move on to something new meant that what I had done in the past was somehow inadequate, or I had lost the meaning in my current “place,” but that’s not it at all. What it means is I am continuing to learn and improve my life and myself, and I am continually evolving into who I am. We all are.

No matter where we are or what we are doing, we are not finished and never will be. I watch my parents in their 80s and see their continued transformation and influence on others. In being given the amazing opportunity to discuss my parents’ lives with them, I am able to see the meaning in our experiences, no matter how insignificant or negative they may appear to be at the time. I am encouraged that what is current, is meaningful and productive, but even more than that, it is a solid foundation for a future that will be even more rewarding.

Seasons change, and there is a time for, and meaning in, everything. What are you doing with your life right now? Do you see who you are now as compared with your identity many or a few years back? And, back to the questions I asked at first, where are you going, or are you currently satisfied being where you are, or both? Do you see how your current activities and interests are leading to other things?

Discussions going on here.

Blogging is more fun when done together!

Kim and I are having a blast tweaking our blogs, linking to each other, setting up our social networking apps, helping and challenging each other along the way (there is a little friendly competition going on here) and learning new coding tricks. (Dawgs are good at learning new tricks, and this one is an excellent teacher as well!)

In this process I have noticed that blogging is like buying a car – you can be together every step of the way, but only one person can drive at the time… well, at least if you don’t want to end up with a disaster on your hands!

I recommend blogging for anyone who feels any pull towards it whatsoever. For me, it is very nice to be along for the ride. The scenery is ever-changing and frequently exhilarating, the experiences are completely controllable, and the company is beyond pleasant. One warning though – learning about yourself is inevitable.

(It’s nice to read; I had forgotten how much I enjoy it.)

I like Claudia. Not that she is selfish and will do whatever it takes to survive, but that she knows who she is and is driven to learn more about herself. Aren’t most of us selfish and intent on doing what is best for us, even if that is defined by a mandate from God? If we determine that we are here to help others, does that make us selfishly fulfilling ourselves when we carry out our purpose? (I am sure I have read that somewhere before; I know it is not an orignal thought of mine.)

Not that she is determined and stubborn, but that she is true to her self-defined purpose. “You’re either in or in the way.” -Ozzy Osbourne. She knows what she is and doesn’t deny it or apologize for it. Claudia embraces who she is, powerless to change it, thereby free to really live. She is not constantly struggling to change herself, but instead pushing forward to evolve into an understanding of life. We all need to have a purpose, and it can’t be to just eat (satisfy the flesh?) and avoid the sun (Son?). Vampire struggles are human struggles. (I know… I’m catching up.)

Not that she loves for the right reasons, but that she does so without the fear of rejection. She goes with her impulses and then later studies why she has such impulses, but doesn’t linger on regrets, only damage control. I like that. She and the man she loves are on the inside; all others are on the outside – that is a fundamental and unchangeable law, so there is no worry that it can be violated. Interaction and interference is controllable and only food for thought (pardon the pun).

Anyway, I guess this just goes to show that we can learn about ourselves in anything that we will allow to teach us.

I am grateful for time to think and read and write. I miss my own companion like air. It’s like alcohol or drugs. They make us see and experience things differently than we normally would, but when that journey is over, we don’t want the opportunity to present itself again. I am stronger than I think I am, but I am also weaker – right now, hiding from the sun and not wanting to eat.

I have been extremely busy with school and having a real life lately, which is a very good thing, but I have been neglecting my writing.  Let the procrastination continue… or procrastination avoidance; both seem accurate depending on how I look at it or maybe my mood.

I am looking for employment now and constantly seem to be updating my resume.  Also for my job search I am attempting to come up with a personal business card, complete with a slogan, which has me doing even more self-analysis.  I always want to write when I am back in the self-analysis mode, my skills, my education, my life.  Me. Me. Me.  Ugh.  It’s kinda like dieting – the more you want to avoid food the more you find yourself thinking about it.  I have learned so much about myself over the last couple of years, but I have also learned that I can be very selfish and self-absorbed, thinking I was just the opposite.  I find myself wondering more and more if I see reality, or do I just make it up as I go along?  Well, no time to philosophize right now, but I am sure I’ll have many more conversations with myself about myself soon.

Time to finish up this business card.  I like swords, but images associated with violence may not represent me accurately, as least not as far as how I would like potential employers to see me anyway.  And that brings me to – how much of myself is it OK to reveal on a public blog?  Ha ha.  Meh.  I’m probably giving too much thought again to my self-importance… wait, that’s the very definition of the word.  Can you say circular obsession?  Whosh…

# of I’s in this post = 21
# of myself’s = 6
I guess it is all about me.  … attempting to remedy that … please stay tuned.

My fascination with this “playground of anachronism” started when I was looking for a shirt with wings on it on ThinkGeek.com. I found one that said “Steampunk Angel” with really cool mechanical wings complete with a pressure gauge. Not wanting to purposefully invite abuse to myself by either having an insult printed on my chest (some people do those kinds of things), or by not being able to answer should someone actually read my shirt and probe me as to what it meant, I looked it up.

According to the Urban Dictionary, which everyone who is anyone knows is where to go to find the real meanings of things and maybe also the definition of life itself,

Steampunk is a subgenre of fantasy and speculative fiction that came into prominence in the 1980s and early 1990s. The term denotes works set in an era or world where STEAM POWER is still widely used—usually the 19th century, and often set in Victorian era England—but with prominent elements of either science fiction or fantasy, such as fictional technological inventions like those found in the works of H. G. Wells and Jules Verne, or real technological developments like the computer occurring at an earlier date.

OK.   Cool.

Today I found a blog that calls itself The Steampunk Home, which is pretty much just showing off the “style” derived from too many visits to the aforementioned playground.

I’m beginning to really like SOME of this stuff.

Nice room. Kinda makes my brain hurt, even though I'm not thinking anything.

$18K for a TABLE???? Do want. Looks like it may allow for more interesting activities than your normal everyday dining room table.

What is this? Looks a little scary. Probably goes with the table.

Cool light... I mean, lights. :p

Computers, since that is what life always has been and always will be about. Interesting concept since an oil lamp is necessary for lighting at this point. Glossy or matte?

Steampunk? Maybe. Creepy? Definitely.

I was just posting on a MacRumors forum about what I would want on my tombstone (the brick, not the pizza) when I died, and it got me to thinking.  (Yes, we geeks talk about all sorts of fun and uplifting things.)

Strange though it may be, some people actually enjoy wandering through graveyards (I like that word better than cemetery) and mausoleums and reading the epitaphs. My parents go to cemeteries everywhere they travel, and far be it for me to want to deny such an enlightening and useful pleasure to them.  (just kidding around Mom and Dad!)  Also, there are many other living people who want to have a specific location to “visit” the resting places of their dearly departed. Because of all this, I would prefer that, if I were to be cremated, which I won’t be.  (Or, if I am, I won’t know about it, which is fine too.), I would not want my ashes on anyone’s mantle (kind of gross) or scattered or anything like that. I don’t really care where I’m planted, and I don’t even care about a casket or a vault – dust to dust and all that. For health reasons (of the living), however, these are necessary.

Now, I’ve never really been big on words (but that seems to be changing lately), so I would prefer to just have the dates of my birth and death, my name I guess, although I think “Red” would be better, and it would be nice to have Excalibur stuck somewhere in it too.

One person said that he was going to donate his body to the Bodyworks exhibit, which I had not thought of before.  Being stuffed or mummified might be fun, live on in a pyramid or something.  I have always wanted to live in a mansion.  (Of course, God promises me one of those, so that will happen for sure.)  I have considered the options of donating my body to science and/or organ donation, but I don’t think my parents would like that. I’ll wait until I bury them before I decide with any finality.

This has been fun.

I have wasted these times in my life so often, by not listening.

I am also reminded of Psalm 23:2, “He makes me lie down in green pastures…”  I remember a preacher saying once that shepherds will sometimes break the leg of a sheep if it keeps running off.  In this passage, it’s very possible that that is what is meant by “making” me lie down.  It can be painful, both the breaking and the healing, sometimes excruciatingly so, but because of the process, we live.  I wonder how much further ahead I would be if I had just been still and listened willingly instead of requiring God to break me?  I can learn from that though and try to pay closer attention as I walk purposefully though His plan for me.

Things are very quiet right now.  He really is restoring my soul (mind, will, and emotions.)  I feel distracted by school even.  I wonder how long the quiet will last, but I’m excited about hearing my Father’s voice.   He is so wise, and always imparts that wisdom to me.  I think it’s more that I’m becoming a part of Him so I can rely on Him and His wisdom, not that He is actually giving me anything.

It’s really cool how fast He works too.  Sometimes I think my heart will break, but all I have to do is remember He is there and start visiting with him, and He soothes me.  Honestly, how do people live without this comfort in their lives?  I don’t believe I could do it.

TGIF Today God Is First Volume 2 by Os Hillman
Tuesday, May 25 2010

“Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10) .

Do you find yourself in a place of nothingness? There is a time and place in our walk with God in which He sets us in a place of isolation and waiting. It is a place in which all past experiences are of no value. It is a time of such stillness that it can disturb the most faithful if we do not understand that He is the one who has brought us to this place for only a season. It is as if God has placed a wall around us. No new opportunities – simply inactivity.

During these times, God is calling us aside to fashion something new in us. It is a place of nothingness designed to call us to deeper roots of prayer and faith. It is not a comfortable place, especially for a task-driven workplace believer. Our nature cries out, “You must do something” while God is saying, “Be still and know that I am God.” You know the signs that you have been brought into this place when He has removed many things from your life and you can’t seem to change anything. Perhaps you are unemployed. Perhaps you are laid up with an illness.

Many people live a very planned and orchestrated life where they know almost everything that will happen. But for people in whom God is performing a deeper work, He brings them into a time of quietness that seems almost eerie. They cannot see what God is doing. They just know that He is doing a work that cannot be explained to themselves or to others.

Has God brought you to a place of nothingness? Be still and know that He really is God. When this happens, your nothingness will be turned into something you will value for the rest of your life.

TGIF Today God Is First Volume 2 daily devotionals are a service of Marketplace Leaders Ministries

Consciousness can be elusive.  I have to push back intense feelings of regret as I think of all the years I have been sleeping through my life.  But here I am, awake finally (I hope), and desperately trying to maintain that state.  Desperation sounds drastically emotional, but that is where I am at this point, desperate and intent on never going back.

With everything that has been going on with me lately and all that I have been learning, I have been constantly burdened by the nagging feeling that somehow I will lose it all.  The lessons are emotional (= superficial in my perception, but not, thankfully in reality), psychological, intellectual, nothing I can really put my finger on, or cling to for dear life as I prefer to do with things that are important to me.  My lessons are like a balloon.  I see myself trying to catch it as it keeps blowing away from me with every swift hand movement I make.  My struggles create a wave of activity that cause the balloon to move just as swiftly away from me, when all I need to do to catch it is to be still, let it rest, and gently bring it to me.  Sometimes relaxing, breathing, and just being, is much more difficult that struggling.  Acceptance does not always equal defeat.

But the fight continues, whether it be active or passive.  My new reality contains a constant, sometimes very intense, fear that I will one day go back to sleep and it will all be gone; for some reason I won’t be able to stay in this exciting and liberating place.  I keep saying that I have woken up, so I suppose I am just trying to stay awake.  I keep trying to gauge at what level of consciousness I am so that I will remain aware and not slip back into slumber.  I have to keep moving forward, keep waking up, continue the evolution.  I get sleepy, groggy, sometimes, and forget, but so far I have not fallen back asleep.  I have little voices, tiny irritations (I’m grateful that they are tiny, cause they used to be very loud), telling me that It would be easier to go back to walking selfishly through life.  But through my newly found strength I reject them daily.  With each push I get stronger and they get weaker, more foolish really; I get more awake, as they fade into memories of a dream.

So I suppose the main reason that I am here writing this now is to try to hold on to what I am learning about myself and how outside influences and past experiences affect the person I am now and the person into which I want to evolve.  I don’t like to use the word “fear” but that is what it feels like.  I am fearful that I will one day go back to sleep, and all will be lost.  If I can somehow record my “lessons” I will not lose them.

Maybe it isn’t fear at all though.  I have often told others that their feelings of fear and anxiousness are only promptings of the Holy Spirit to pray.  We have to pray and stay in tune with God to have any sort of active wisdom.  So I believe that as we feel fear and anxiety, it is simply the Holy Spirit reminding us where our source of strength, joy, and love (God) come from.

*deep breath*  Thank you God.  I love you.

Two Days of Random Hacks of Kindness Hacking Kicks off in Washington, D.C.

Geeks to the rescue!  I love it!

Lessons…

Yes, real help will come to real people, but something else to be learned from this is that because of the terrible tragedies that spark events like this, technology will be advanced.  ”At a RHoK hackathon, new technologies are born, existing platforms are built upon, and innovative new ideas attract attention and support.” -Kamran Abdi

According to Daniel Pink, “We think that the only reason people do productive things is to snag a carrot or avoid a stick.  But that’s just not true.  Our third drive – our intrinsic motivation – can be even more powerful.” (Wired Magazine, June 2010, “The Great Cognitive Surplus,” p. 131).

Only a few short months ago, I thought that people wrote – magazine articles, books, even blogs – because they had something to say, something that they felt was important enough or original enough that others needed or wanted to be a part of it.

I am realizing, as I read more and as I write considerably more, that the reverse is true.  In writing – actually taking the time to compose our thoughts, conducting research to either back up our theories or just to find better ways of saying things, and then “penning” it – builds our capacity for understanding the world that we are a part of and how we affect it, and our own inward parts as well.  As we write, yes, we make a point to others, but more than that, we learn to understand ourselves and our purpose.  It is like maps.  We know where we live and know the routes to places, but when we pull up the satellite view of our “world” we understand it so much better.  That’s what writing does. It creates a map, a changeable one, that allows us to see our existence, understand it, and tweak it.

So, now that I am tearing myself out of the box that I have lived in all my life, I am realizing that things are not as I thought they were.  The whole world is inside out, chaotic if you will, and I am attempting to define myself apart from it and also to see my part in it.

Anyway, that is why I am here.  I want to write more because it is helping me to develop the real me, finally, at age 43!  I hope that some will join me here and take something away and give something back.  But, if it is only me, I will still be successful in my walk of self-examination and self-awareness, and the empowering realization that I can better the lives of others without losing myself in the process.